Mother's Day 2014

For the past few weeks my inbox has been blown up with marketing by companies such as Hallmark, and Target. Signs appear everywhere telling you to not forget your mother, special brunches are offered at restaurants…the list goes on and on. Despite whatever the underlying intentions of these advertisements every time I see one the feeling of the crushing blow of the cruel reminder that I don’t have... Zach this year and oh yeah that it's also the 1st anniversary of Zach’s death. And it’s another holiday that I will have to spend without him and it’s so tough because I am still learning to live without him.
I could crawl into a hole and wait for the day to pass, but I honestly don’t think that’s fair to anyone, especially my Sydney and I don’t think Zach would be very pleased with his mom either. I am not going to minimize the loss either, I can’t. Zach was too big a part of my life to ever do that. I can’t and won’t just push it away. He was way too special for that. I am going to feel it, grieve it and miss him like crazy.
So Sunday I will thoroughly enjoy spending it with Sydney. (Carson will be with his mom) They are the reason I keep going each day. Actually, the best Mother’s Day gift I could ever receive is for them to live long, healthy and happy lives without heartache, disappointment or…. Disease. But as one of my favorite bloggers/author says Pain is part of what makes you who you are. Without my heartbreak I wouldn’t have and be who I am today. So this Mother’s Day I am going to celebrate the pain, celebrate that I was chosen to be mom to Zach and Sydney and celebrate that being a mother to Zach made me who I am today. I am going to try to not think of it as a day I lost my Zach, (even though I know there will be heartache and tears that day) but a day that I can always celebrate that God choose me to have this pain to see the good.
Sunday I will be having a big smile on my face knowing that through this boy’s life and my pain we are making it into something good! I will know that on Sunday May 11th, 40 moms at Gillette Children Hospital will be getting amazing gift baskets and getting that feeling that they are loved and supported! I will be smiling and thinking about the 20 moms at Fairview Ridges in Burnsville who also will be getting amazing baskets on Mother’s Day and knowing that they are loved and supported! I will be smiling and probably crying at the point when I realize that 20 PICU moms at the Children’s Hospital in NEW MEXICO will be getting showered with their baskets and knowing that they are not alone and loved, and I will be laughing, crying and smiling when I realize that 1000 books and other goodies of “Carry On Warrior” by Glennon Doyle Melton are being delivered to area hospitals, homeless shelters, recovery centers,and Churches showing warrior mom’s that they are not alone and that they “can do hard things!”
I will be shouting, crying, smiling, joyful, FULL when I realize on Sunday May 11th the one year anniversary of my Zach’s death that amazing things were happening and a whole world was “Zach Attacking” and showing other’s that one boy can change the world even after his death! That no matter what you are dealt we all can turn something so horrible into something so GOOD!
So this Sunday May 11th, Mother’s Day please help me Zach Attack and spread that boys amazing smile and help me celebrate that I was mom to one amazing kid!!
With Faith Comes Hope,
Rachele

"There is no footprint too small to leave an imprint on this world."
Author Unknown

”This happened to me. It is unbearably sad. But my sadness, my anger, my grief- these things do not define me. I define me.”

I just read the other day how Mother’s Day is a trigger for mom’s that lost their babies.  When I read that I felt a little bit of my heart break some more.  I mean come on I lost Zach Mother’s Day weekend, his one year freaking anniversary of his death lands on Mother’s Day this year, it will be a huge trigger for me, heck it already is as I am freaking out about it.  My husband recently asked me what I wanted to do on Mother’s Day this year and I looked at him dead serious and said” I’m sitting at the cemetery all day.”  Probably not the fairest statement to say, but at the time that’s what I felt I wanted to do.

After all this is my grief right? I just read to Embrace all of your feelings and emotions. That I am entitled to whatever feelings come up. Nothing is off the table, nothing is "wrong." Totally get that, but in my head it’s screaming “WRONG!” I can still feel the emotions, but I can’t just do what I want to do with them because no matter what I have been through and what I am feeling all those emotions and feelings go on the back burner because guess what?  I am a mom and a wife and it’s a catch 22, I can’t lock myself in my room or sit at a cemetery all day because I think I would be ruining the children and husband I have left here with me.  I am a mom that even though I lost my precious Zach, I still am a mom to Sydney and a step-mom to Carson and I need to get them through this awful ordeal. Mother’s Day will not be about me and the hole and physical ache in my heart and the knot in my stomach. Thankfully because I have other kids and I need them to get through this rough life that was dealt to them I need to be a mom that day.

See, that's the real challenge after losing a child: moving forward. Some days I find it so hard to see what the future will be like without Zach. But life has continued, whether I liked it or not. Because of my kids, and husbands and job I have had to pick myself up and somehow live through the grief.

Tomorrow its 11 months since Zach passed. I am not numb anymore and can honestly say I think the second year is going to be much harder than the first. I pray for the numbness to return, but know that I have to feel what I am feeling to somehow get better, to be a better mom, to be a better person, to be a better friend. To give Zach a legacy that makes all the things he went through turn into something good.  

I feel like a lot of people out there probably think I am a little nuts (I am a little). I have this madness brewing inside of me that wants people even after death to know Zach. I seriously have anxiety of people forgetting him. I know his life had purpose. I know his purpose with me was to make me grow up and hopefully become a better person, but I know it was also to bring good into this world.

It can feel very lonely, being the parent of a child who died. Especially on Mother's Day or Father's Day. We feel so different from those around us, all those happy people with children the same age our child was, or would have been. This year it’s going to be tough I get that, I hope I can get through it and give Sydney the mom that she deserves to have. I hope by “Zach Attacking” we can bring smiles to moms or dads or anyone. As we all know Zach loved to smile, and I am going to try extra hard to smile that day and every day. I think this is the best thing I can do to remember such an amazing boy who was truly a gift to me.
 

I will leave you with a quote that I just read of the site “Still Standing” “”This happened to me. It is unbearably sad. But my sadness, my anger, my grief- these things do not define me. I define me.” 

Please feel free to share this site with whomever.  We are doing amazing things with the “Zach Attacks Mother’s Day” I would love if you would follow our model and maybe do something at a local children’s hospital by you. I can send you Zach Attack Cards to put in the baskets. It doesn’t take much to show a mom on mother’s day that you are in her darkest days.. A Warm Blanket, and a book go a long ways! I will keep you up to date with our efforts. Our Zach Attack is going to be amazing! Thank You again to all that have help me make Mother’s Day this year a little easier on me!

You can see our everyday life and how we are remembering our sweet boy at Facebook: Remembering Zach Attack
https://www.facebook.com/zachattacksrandomacts
 

With Faith Comes Hope,

Rachele

Throw it in the Pile

After Zach passed away I had the most amazing opportunity to become a "Support Planner." I go into homes with some amazing people and help them plan the services they need for their special needs adults and kids. I love this job, and for me its not a job, for me it's a time to heal and give back (and yes a little extra money is nice too!) I know a lot of people thought I was nuts that I was going back into the world of the special needs, especially a month after I lost Zach.  For me I was very thankful to be given the opportunity to continue to be part of the special needs world. I always say it's a world I never wanted to be part of, but now I don't want to be away from it either. Talk about bittersweet.

Zach was always my crutch to go up to other kids in wheelchairs and say Hi, they could see that I wasn't some nutty mom that had no clue what they were going through. Weirdly since Zach passed I feel like I lost my ticket to go up to these amazing kids and adults.  I don't look like one of them anymore. I really am not a part of their world anymore.. my ticket is gone. Now if I go up to someone I feel like I need to explain to them why I am saying hi, which is super ridiculous, because we all should be saying hi to them. I shouldn't need an excuse and again I shouldn't need to tell my story to anyone that will listen. I have to remember that Zach continues to live through me no matter what!

So as I have gone through the last year with my new job I have seen ALOT. I go into homes of the sickest of the sick and also a lot of homes with kiddos with Autism, sometimes homes with more then one kid with Autism. Where the parents are  grieving and fighting like mad to get an education for their child(ren), and on some days those same parents are scared to death of their own kids because they have violent tempers. I have gone into homes where the walls in every corner are punched out and all the knives are hidden. Homes that have alarms on every window and every door. I walk away saying "Thank God I got what I got"  I have gone into homes where two children are diagnosed with the same neurodegenerative disease and I know this mom is going to probably lose both her children... and I walk away again "Thanking God for what I got" I go into homes almost weekly saying "thank God for what I got" and I can tell you that when I tell them my story they are saying the same thing "thank God for what they got." What I have learned through this amazing job of mine is that if all of us special needs parents threw our whole lives and diseases and behaviors and whatever else comes with the world of having a special needs kid, sibling, or adult and we had a choice to take on someone else's life that we all would take on our own again.  That when you look at someone else's story you realize  that you would take your story over theirs any day. As we tell Zach's sister Sydney "You get what you get and you don't have a fit" You do something with it and no other life is blessed more then the other, that you can be thankful for what you didn't get in any situation.  I am so thankful for Zach, and I would pick our story again if I had a choice. Again and Again.... and the amazing thing is those wonderful families whose houses I walk into would pick their story over and over, the same story I was just thinking that "I'm glad I didn't get that! and I know that they are thinking "I'm glad I didn't get her story!

My family and I our still writing our story, but if it wasn't for Zach and our story I wouldn't of gotten to see this wonderful testament to life. I wouldn't get to be amazed daily at how much I see people fighting for their kids, and because of him and the lessons I learned from him I get to carry on and try and help other families in different situations do the best they can for their loved ones. 

As hard as it is at losing a child and believe me it sucks and I grieve daily, I would choose my life again and again if I had to throw it in a big pile and had the chance to pick. I mean really who wouldn't pick the boy with that amazing smile!

With Faith Comes Hope,
Rachele
Mom to my Amazing Zach

A name to an amazing picture

A name to a face…

In the hours after Zachy passed my friend Kami put on a picture of a little boy walking with Jesus and in the background was a wheelchair.  At the time I think a lot of us (even me) were amazed at how much it looked like Zach, Most even thought it was Zach. It was a YES! moment when we all saw this picture and it  brought so much comfort having a picture match what we were all thinking that Zach was out of his wheelchair, healed and walking with Jesus.  As most of you know we printed out that picture and handed it out at the wake. I have the picture on my refrigerator and look at it every day. It still brings me comfort on those days where the grief is so unspeakable. It says to me Zach is not suffering, he is healed!

Yesterday as I was tooling along on FB someone put a story of a dad writing about the loss of his son and how he was Ok…Not Ok.  I read the article and my heart broke for this family because I knew that feeling and have said the same words.” I’m OK… OK not really” is kinda my saying. Anyhow after I read his blog I went tooling around on it and a picture of his monument popped out at me, on it was a huge picture of the boy walking with Jesus.  My mouth dropped, I finally got to read the story on the boy that brought so much comfort to me and others after Zach’s passing. 

I’m not going to lie after reading it, I was like uh oh. I hope that they were ok with me printing this and using it. There boy Mitchel passed away in March of 2013. He was around the same age as Zach and passed away from Muscular Dystrophy. I was devastated reading about Mitchel, and know exactly what this family was enduring. I wrote to them yesterday and wanted to let them know about how we came across the picture and that I was thankful for their sweet boy. If you want to see their story it’s on FB under Mitchell’s Journey.  The dad has wonderful writings about his sweet, sweet gorgeous son.

2013 was a rough year for both of our families and unfortunately I know there are a lot more kids that passed away just in 2013 that I don’t even know. I hate that, but in some ways so thankful that even though they have no idea that they are comforting me through my grief, that these boys were here to make a difference.

I was going to put the picture on here, but thought better of it. It is an amazing photo, and Mitchel has an amazing family.  These boys are healed walking with Jesus.

Hogwash!

I hear a lot that our time on earth is just a glimpse in time compared to what it is in heaven.  That our loved ones that leaves before us don't feel time like we do.  Boy how I wish anything that us  back here on earth felt like it was quick blurb in time like it does in heaven.

Almost 11 months into this journey I can tell you I am not numb anymore. I can tell you the first maybe 8 months after losing Zach, I was like I got this, I can do this, this sucks but I can get through this. Now all I can think of is how am I going to do this? How is this ever going to get easier? How in the world am I going to get through the rest of my life with him not here with me?

I never knew until the past few months that a heart ache is not just a saying. It's a real thing, my heart actually aches, and on more days then not it actually hurts.  I have had to tell myself on one or more occasion that I am not having a heart attack, I lost my child and this is a physically symptom of that. 

I am not writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me. I'm writing, in essence to tell you that 11 months into this, it is no easier, it's actually much, much harder. I remember reading so many things that tells you after a loss of this magnitude that you shouldn't do anything major before a year is up, that time heals. I have heard over and over that the first year is the worse.  I'm calling bullshit on it all! I know that's a harsh statement, but I feel like I am grieving more now then I did in the beginning. I have no clue as to why except to say that I really think that in the first months your body goes into protection mode,  you are numb, you go through all the motions of your daily living, but you basically are a zombie, going through the motions of life.

Grief is not a year thing, for me getting closer to that year mark makes me physically sick. How can it be that I haven't kissed or hugged Zach in almost a year. How in the heck am I going to go through the rest of my life feeling like a major part of me has been ripped away from me? As the days, months, years go on how do you get through life without your child? I know  I am not the exception. I know first hand how many parents have lost a child. I know first hand that I am not alone, but I don't know how they get through it. Maybe someday it will come to me on how you get through this. Right now I think it's just you figure out how to live with the pain. Which I guess, for the past 11 months I have been doing...

The hardest thing is my heart aches to be with him, but my heart also aches to be with my husband and kids here. When you lose a child your heart wants to be in two different places and you can physically feel it. I can't imagine this feeling will ever go away. It's a feeling that I am sure I will feel for the rest of my life while I'm living on earth!

One year is not enough time for the grief to be over.. I have a feeling it's a life time of grief and it's never going away..
The best thing I can tell myself is that he was worth it. Every single feeling of it. I guess no matter what if I had a choice to lose a child or not have one at all I would pick the loss. I had an amazing kid, that changed me, that I loved more!!!

With Faith Comes Hope,
Rachele

Family Tree

We went and tried a new Church today. They have a Children's ministry that I was excited for Syd to be a part of, although she was a little nervous when I dropped her off.  The nice lady at the drop off point told her "We are going to make family trees today!" Sydney reluctantly went into the classroom and Dad and I were off to the service. We took our seats when I started to get all panicky. I looked at Marc and told him "I should of pulled them aside and told them that she just lost her brother." After going back and forth with my heart I decided to let her be and see what happens.

Today I have had a lot of thoughts about Sydney and Zach and the day he died. At about 10pm on May 10th, Zach started to have episodes of weird breathing. This was after Sydney was down for the night sleeping. We called Zach's dad around 11pm that night because we had a feeling Zach's time with us was ending. So his dad and I and my amazing nurse Nicole aka ( N1) spent the night loving on Zach and being with him until he finally passed away around 5:45 am on May 11th. 

I think of two things as I reflect back on this. 1) Zach gave us an amazing gift of giving us every moment he possible could and 2) Zach passed away just before his sister was to get up for the day. So she didn't have to witness his passing.  He passed away at 5:45 and I believe she was up around 6:30am. I keep thinking what an amazing thing he did for his sister. He let go knowing she was going to be getting up soon and knowing that she shouldn't witness such an event.  I know he was protecting her.

Later that day we sent Sydney over to her friends house so when they came to get Zach's body she wouldn't have to see him being carted off.  To this day I still don't know if that was a good idea because I will never forget the sound that came out of her when she walked in Zach's room and saw that he wasn't there. It was the worse sound of grief I have ever heard. My heart was not only broken for the loss of my precious Zach, but I was also so broken hearted for her. She was 4 years old and enduring the worse pain you could ever go through. It was the first and last time I have heard her cry for Zach.

There are times when I am not sure I know how to process the fact that she doesn't cry for him. I struggle with this, but came to a realization of two things. 1) She does talk about Zach alot with others, just not with me. We believe this is because she tries to be strong around me and does not want me sad.

The other realization was today when I picked her up from Church and on her family tree was listed, God, Mom, Dad, Zach, Carson and Sydney.  I cried when I saw it. I asked her did you tell them your brother Zach was in heaven?"  Her response was very matter of fact  "No they just asked me who my brother's are!"  I realized today just that, no matter what and where Zach is he will always be her brother, she will never forget him, but I think she has an amazing knowledge that he's ok and safe. Those two had an amazing bond in life and I know she will always carry that with her and looking back on the last year. Zach protected her even in his hour of death and she will always have the best big brother's ever!

I think I just had another realization in writing this, that Sydney at the age of 5 get's it much more then I do.  That if your asked "How many Brother's you have, or their names or in my case how many kids you have." It's ok not to go into detail, but to tell them the facts. Sydney has 2 amazing brother's. Our Family Tree will always look the same, even though our hearts may not.

With Faith Comes Hope,
Rachele

Mother's Day Zach Attack

Zach Attacks!

My Zach age 12 passed away May 11th 2013, Mother’s Day weekend. It was just like another cruel joke. I was mad, I questioned everything. We knew he was going to pass away but did it have to be on Mother’s Day? Was God punishing me? Was I not a good mom? Really God, every-year I had to remember I lost the best kid in the whole-wide world on the day that I was to be showered by love, and flowers, brunches and homemade gifts that the kids made in school. Instead I would relive the day that my heart was ripped away from me over and over. Mother’s Day is a day that as a mom you get to feel appreciated, that you are celebrated for that crazy job of being a mom.

This year Zach’s one year anniversary of his death falls on Mother’s Day. A Mother’s Day that I need to try and make good. Not just for me, but for my 5 year old Sydney and my 12 year old step-son Carson. I need to show them that a day is what you make it. That in any situation you can make a really bad day into something good. That to celebrate someone’s life you do it by giving back. That you have to make something “Good” out of the “Bad”. We choose to do that at Christmas time by buying two floors at Children’s Hospital gifts for Christmas. We called it a “Zach Attack”. We choose to do this throughout the year by “Zach Attacking” random strangers in coffee lines, or grocery stores and we are choosing to do it this year for Mother’s Day by providing amazing gift baskets full of love to every mom at our local Children’s Hospital. They will be getting blankets, and gift cards, and best of all they will be getting an amazing book called “Carry on Warrior” By Glennon Doyle Melton. A book that I believe every mom should have a chance to read, a book that explains it all; that you have to find the Brutiful in the life God gave to you.

  I believe we are doing that by carry on Zach’s legacy. This amazing boy was loved by so many that when I call out to people that we are doing a huge Zach Attack they come running and wanting to help! My heart heals a tiny bit every time I hear of someone doing something good in the name of my Zach. Nothing is ever going to take my heartache away, I miss him. I love him and life is cruel. But if I don’t find the good in this somewhere it will eat me away. It will take over my life and I know Zach does not want that, and neither do I. Zach’s life has meaning, we were supposed to do something with it. I want to bring good to the world through Zach, and I guess I would like to see where the Zach Attacks can go. I lost Zach Mother's Day weekend for a reason, I would like to think it's because I get to remember every Mother's Day that I was a mom to an amazing kid, but maybe it's also so I can remember all the other mom's that need a little joy in their life too. Mother's Day is a tough Holiday when your heart is breaking or broken. Will you help me with this “Zach Attack”?

I need your help! Every state has a Children's Hospital, Every State has a mom (or even a caregiver) that will be with their child on Mother's Day. They will be sitting in the hospital grieving for their sick child. And I know there are mom’s in every state that can show these mom’s how loved they are, that they are not alone. That they have a world praying for them, grieving for them and loving them! I would love if maybe they could buy a gift certificate to a pizza place that delivers, give them Glennon's book, buy them a parking pass because chances are they are paying big bucks to park their damn car while they sit with their sick child in a hospital. I know one act of kindness turns into another act of kindness, and that one act of kindness that you do can change a life. In the meantime the boy with the best smile in the whole wide world has a legacy that will grow. We will turn something so brutal into beautiful. Will you please help me with this latest “Zach Attack?”

I know we already have an amazing Zach Attack coming along here for our Gillette Children's Hospital. We have an amazing 31 Large Utility Tote Filled with a Blanket, Gift Cards to Pizza Luce, and an ITunes Gift Card. Water Tumbler's and jewelry and Spa Products. This Zach Attack is filled with LOVE, and we will show those caregiver's they are not alone, that they are loved and cared about. And the Best Part is.... It's all because of a boy with the best smile in the whole wide world "Our Zach Attack!"


With Faith Comes Hope,
Rachele