Hogwash!

I hear a lot that our time on earth is just a glimpse in time compared to what it is in heaven.  That our loved ones that leaves before us don't feel time like we do.  Boy how I wish anything that us  back here on earth felt like it was quick blurb in time like it does in heaven.

Almost 11 months into this journey I can tell you I am not numb anymore. I can tell you the first maybe 8 months after losing Zach, I was like I got this, I can do this, this sucks but I can get through this. Now all I can think of is how am I going to do this? How is this ever going to get easier? How in the world am I going to get through the rest of my life with him not here with me?

I never knew until the past few months that a heart ache is not just a saying. It's a real thing, my heart actually aches, and on more days then not it actually hurts.  I have had to tell myself on one or more occasion that I am not having a heart attack, I lost my child and this is a physically symptom of that. 

I am not writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me. I'm writing, in essence to tell you that 11 months into this, it is no easier, it's actually much, much harder. I remember reading so many things that tells you after a loss of this magnitude that you shouldn't do anything major before a year is up, that time heals. I have heard over and over that the first year is the worse.  I'm calling bullshit on it all! I know that's a harsh statement, but I feel like I am grieving more now then I did in the beginning. I have no clue as to why except to say that I really think that in the first months your body goes into protection mode,  you are numb, you go through all the motions of your daily living, but you basically are a zombie, going through the motions of life.

Grief is not a year thing, for me getting closer to that year mark makes me physically sick. How can it be that I haven't kissed or hugged Zach in almost a year. How in the heck am I going to go through the rest of my life feeling like a major part of me has been ripped away from me? As the days, months, years go on how do you get through life without your child? I know  I am not the exception. I know first hand how many parents have lost a child. I know first hand that I am not alone, but I don't know how they get through it. Maybe someday it will come to me on how you get through this. Right now I think it's just you figure out how to live with the pain. Which I guess, for the past 11 months I have been doing...

The hardest thing is my heart aches to be with him, but my heart also aches to be with my husband and kids here. When you lose a child your heart wants to be in two different places and you can physically feel it. I can't imagine this feeling will ever go away. It's a feeling that I am sure I will feel for the rest of my life while I'm living on earth!

One year is not enough time for the grief to be over.. I have a feeling it's a life time of grief and it's never going away..
The best thing I can tell myself is that he was worth it. Every single feeling of it. I guess no matter what if I had a choice to lose a child or not have one at all I would pick the loss. I had an amazing kid, that changed me, that I loved more!!!

With Faith Comes Hope,
Rachele

Family Tree

We went and tried a new Church today. They have a Children's ministry that I was excited for Syd to be a part of, although she was a little nervous when I dropped her off.  The nice lady at the drop off point told her "We are going to make family trees today!" Sydney reluctantly went into the classroom and Dad and I were off to the service. We took our seats when I started to get all panicky. I looked at Marc and told him "I should of pulled them aside and told them that she just lost her brother." After going back and forth with my heart I decided to let her be and see what happens.

Today I have had a lot of thoughts about Sydney and Zach and the day he died. At about 10pm on May 10th, Zach started to have episodes of weird breathing. This was after Sydney was down for the night sleeping. We called Zach's dad around 11pm that night because we had a feeling Zach's time with us was ending. So his dad and I and my amazing nurse Nicole aka ( N1) spent the night loving on Zach and being with him until he finally passed away around 5:45 am on May 11th. 

I think of two things as I reflect back on this. 1) Zach gave us an amazing gift of giving us every moment he possible could and 2) Zach passed away just before his sister was to get up for the day. So she didn't have to witness his passing.  He passed away at 5:45 and I believe she was up around 6:30am. I keep thinking what an amazing thing he did for his sister. He let go knowing she was going to be getting up soon and knowing that she shouldn't witness such an event.  I know he was protecting her.

Later that day we sent Sydney over to her friends house so when they came to get Zach's body she wouldn't have to see him being carted off.  To this day I still don't know if that was a good idea because I will never forget the sound that came out of her when she walked in Zach's room and saw that he wasn't there. It was the worse sound of grief I have ever heard. My heart was not only broken for the loss of my precious Zach, but I was also so broken hearted for her. She was 4 years old and enduring the worse pain you could ever go through. It was the first and last time I have heard her cry for Zach.

There are times when I am not sure I know how to process the fact that she doesn't cry for him. I struggle with this, but came to a realization of two things. 1) She does talk about Zach alot with others, just not with me. We believe this is because she tries to be strong around me and does not want me sad.

The other realization was today when I picked her up from Church and on her family tree was listed, God, Mom, Dad, Zach, Carson and Sydney.  I cried when I saw it. I asked her did you tell them your brother Zach was in heaven?"  Her response was very matter of fact  "No they just asked me who my brother's are!"  I realized today just that, no matter what and where Zach is he will always be her brother, she will never forget him, but I think she has an amazing knowledge that he's ok and safe. Those two had an amazing bond in life and I know she will always carry that with her and looking back on the last year. Zach protected her even in his hour of death and she will always have the best big brother's ever!

I think I just had another realization in writing this, that Sydney at the age of 5 get's it much more then I do.  That if your asked "How many Brother's you have, or their names or in my case how many kids you have." It's ok not to go into detail, but to tell them the facts. Sydney has 2 amazing brother's. Our Family Tree will always look the same, even though our hearts may not.

With Faith Comes Hope,
Rachele

Mother's Day Zach Attack

Zach Attacks!

My Zach age 12 passed away May 11th 2013, Mother’s Day weekend. It was just like another cruel joke. I was mad, I questioned everything. We knew he was going to pass away but did it have to be on Mother’s Day? Was God punishing me? Was I not a good mom? Really God, every-year I had to remember I lost the best kid in the whole-wide world on the day that I was to be showered by love, and flowers, brunches and homemade gifts that the kids made in school. Instead I would relive the day that my heart was ripped away from me over and over. Mother’s Day is a day that as a mom you get to feel appreciated, that you are celebrated for that crazy job of being a mom.

This year Zach’s one year anniversary of his death falls on Mother’s Day. A Mother’s Day that I need to try and make good. Not just for me, but for my 5 year old Sydney and my 12 year old step-son Carson. I need to show them that a day is what you make it. That in any situation you can make a really bad day into something good. That to celebrate someone’s life you do it by giving back. That you have to make something “Good” out of the “Bad”. We choose to do that at Christmas time by buying two floors at Children’s Hospital gifts for Christmas. We called it a “Zach Attack”. We choose to do this throughout the year by “Zach Attacking” random strangers in coffee lines, or grocery stores and we are choosing to do it this year for Mother’s Day by providing amazing gift baskets full of love to every mom at our local Children’s Hospital. They will be getting blankets, and gift cards, and best of all they will be getting an amazing book called “Carry on Warrior” By Glennon Doyle Melton. A book that I believe every mom should have a chance to read, a book that explains it all; that you have to find the Brutiful in the life God gave to you.

  I believe we are doing that by carry on Zach’s legacy. This amazing boy was loved by so many that when I call out to people that we are doing a huge Zach Attack they come running and wanting to help! My heart heals a tiny bit every time I hear of someone doing something good in the name of my Zach. Nothing is ever going to take my heartache away, I miss him. I love him and life is cruel. But if I don’t find the good in this somewhere it will eat me away. It will take over my life and I know Zach does not want that, and neither do I. Zach’s life has meaning, we were supposed to do something with it. I want to bring good to the world through Zach, and I guess I would like to see where the Zach Attacks can go. I lost Zach Mother's Day weekend for a reason, I would like to think it's because I get to remember every Mother's Day that I was a mom to an amazing kid, but maybe it's also so I can remember all the other mom's that need a little joy in their life too. Mother's Day is a tough Holiday when your heart is breaking or broken. Will you help me with this “Zach Attack”?

I need your help! Every state has a Children's Hospital, Every State has a mom (or even a caregiver) that will be with their child on Mother's Day. They will be sitting in the hospital grieving for their sick child. And I know there are mom’s in every state that can show these mom’s how loved they are, that they are not alone. That they have a world praying for them, grieving for them and loving them! I would love if maybe they could buy a gift certificate to a pizza place that delivers, give them Glennon's book, buy them a parking pass because chances are they are paying big bucks to park their damn car while they sit with their sick child in a hospital. I know one act of kindness turns into another act of kindness, and that one act of kindness that you do can change a life. In the meantime the boy with the best smile in the whole wide world has a legacy that will grow. We will turn something so brutal into beautiful. Will you please help me with this latest “Zach Attack?”

I know we already have an amazing Zach Attack coming along here for our Gillette Children's Hospital. We have an amazing 31 Large Utility Tote Filled with a Blanket, Gift Cards to Pizza Luce, and an ITunes Gift Card. Water Tumbler's and jewelry and Spa Products. This Zach Attack is filled with LOVE, and we will show those caregiver's they are not alone, that they are loved and cared about. And the Best Part is.... It's all because of a boy with the best smile in the whole wide world "Our Zach Attack!"


With Faith Comes Hope,
Rachele