Family Tree

We went and tried a new Church today. They have a Children's ministry that I was excited for Syd to be a part of, although she was a little nervous when I dropped her off.  The nice lady at the drop off point told her "We are going to make family trees today!" Sydney reluctantly went into the classroom and Dad and I were off to the service. We took our seats when I started to get all panicky. I looked at Marc and told him "I should of pulled them aside and told them that she just lost her brother." After going back and forth with my heart I decided to let her be and see what happens.

Today I have had a lot of thoughts about Sydney and Zach and the day he died. At about 10pm on May 10th, Zach started to have episodes of weird breathing. This was after Sydney was down for the night sleeping. We called Zach's dad around 11pm that night because we had a feeling Zach's time with us was ending. So his dad and I and my amazing nurse Nicole aka ( N1) spent the night loving on Zach and being with him until he finally passed away around 5:45 am on May 11th. 

I think of two things as I reflect back on this. 1) Zach gave us an amazing gift of giving us every moment he possible could and 2) Zach passed away just before his sister was to get up for the day. So she didn't have to witness his passing.  He passed away at 5:45 and I believe she was up around 6:30am. I keep thinking what an amazing thing he did for his sister. He let go knowing she was going to be getting up soon and knowing that she shouldn't witness such an event.  I know he was protecting her.

Later that day we sent Sydney over to her friends house so when they came to get Zach's body she wouldn't have to see him being carted off.  To this day I still don't know if that was a good idea because I will never forget the sound that came out of her when she walked in Zach's room and saw that he wasn't there. It was the worse sound of grief I have ever heard. My heart was not only broken for the loss of my precious Zach, but I was also so broken hearted for her. She was 4 years old and enduring the worse pain you could ever go through. It was the first and last time I have heard her cry for Zach.

There are times when I am not sure I know how to process the fact that she doesn't cry for him. I struggle with this, but came to a realization of two things. 1) She does talk about Zach alot with others, just not with me. We believe this is because she tries to be strong around me and does not want me sad.

The other realization was today when I picked her up from Church and on her family tree was listed, God, Mom, Dad, Zach, Carson and Sydney.  I cried when I saw it. I asked her did you tell them your brother Zach was in heaven?"  Her response was very matter of fact  "No they just asked me who my brother's are!"  I realized today just that, no matter what and where Zach is he will always be her brother, she will never forget him, but I think she has an amazing knowledge that he's ok and safe. Those two had an amazing bond in life and I know she will always carry that with her and looking back on the last year. Zach protected her even in his hour of death and she will always have the best big brother's ever!

I think I just had another realization in writing this, that Sydney at the age of 5 get's it much more then I do.  That if your asked "How many Brother's you have, or their names or in my case how many kids you have." It's ok not to go into detail, but to tell them the facts. Sydney has 2 amazing brother's. Our Family Tree will always look the same, even though our hearts may not.

With Faith Comes Hope,
Rachele