”This happened to me. It is unbearably sad. But my sadness, my anger, my grief- these things do not define me. I define me.”

I just read the other day how Mother’s Day is a trigger for mom’s that lost their babies.  When I read that I felt a little bit of my heart break some more.  I mean come on I lost Zach Mother’s Day weekend, his one year freaking anniversary of his death lands on Mother’s Day this year, it will be a huge trigger for me, heck it already is as I am freaking out about it.  My husband recently asked me what I wanted to do on Mother’s Day this year and I looked at him dead serious and said” I’m sitting at the cemetery all day.”  Probably not the fairest statement to say, but at the time that’s what I felt I wanted to do.

After all this is my grief right? I just read to Embrace all of your feelings and emotions. That I am entitled to whatever feelings come up. Nothing is off the table, nothing is "wrong." Totally get that, but in my head it’s screaming “WRONG!” I can still feel the emotions, but I can’t just do what I want to do with them because no matter what I have been through and what I am feeling all those emotions and feelings go on the back burner because guess what?  I am a mom and a wife and it’s a catch 22, I can’t lock myself in my room or sit at a cemetery all day because I think I would be ruining the children and husband I have left here with me.  I am a mom that even though I lost my precious Zach, I still am a mom to Sydney and a step-mom to Carson and I need to get them through this awful ordeal. Mother’s Day will not be about me and the hole and physical ache in my heart and the knot in my stomach. Thankfully because I have other kids and I need them to get through this rough life that was dealt to them I need to be a mom that day.

See, that's the real challenge after losing a child: moving forward. Some days I find it so hard to see what the future will be like without Zach. But life has continued, whether I liked it or not. Because of my kids, and husbands and job I have had to pick myself up and somehow live through the grief.

Tomorrow its 11 months since Zach passed. I am not numb anymore and can honestly say I think the second year is going to be much harder than the first. I pray for the numbness to return, but know that I have to feel what I am feeling to somehow get better, to be a better mom, to be a better person, to be a better friend. To give Zach a legacy that makes all the things he went through turn into something good.  

I feel like a lot of people out there probably think I am a little nuts (I am a little). I have this madness brewing inside of me that wants people even after death to know Zach. I seriously have anxiety of people forgetting him. I know his life had purpose. I know his purpose with me was to make me grow up and hopefully become a better person, but I know it was also to bring good into this world.

It can feel very lonely, being the parent of a child who died. Especially on Mother's Day or Father's Day. We feel so different from those around us, all those happy people with children the same age our child was, or would have been. This year it’s going to be tough I get that, I hope I can get through it and give Sydney the mom that she deserves to have. I hope by “Zach Attacking” we can bring smiles to moms or dads or anyone. As we all know Zach loved to smile, and I am going to try extra hard to smile that day and every day. I think this is the best thing I can do to remember such an amazing boy who was truly a gift to me.
 

I will leave you with a quote that I just read of the site “Still Standing” “”This happened to me. It is unbearably sad. But my sadness, my anger, my grief- these things do not define me. I define me.” 

Please feel free to share this site with whomever.  We are doing amazing things with the “Zach Attacks Mother’s Day” I would love if you would follow our model and maybe do something at a local children’s hospital by you. I can send you Zach Attack Cards to put in the baskets. It doesn’t take much to show a mom on mother’s day that you are in her darkest days.. A Warm Blanket, and a book go a long ways! I will keep you up to date with our efforts. Our Zach Attack is going to be amazing! Thank You again to all that have help me make Mother’s Day this year a little easier on me!

You can see our everyday life and how we are remembering our sweet boy at Facebook: Remembering Zach Attack
https://www.facebook.com/zachattacksrandomacts
 

With Faith Comes Hope,

Rachele