Throw it in the Pile

After Zach passed away I had the most amazing opportunity to become a "Support Planner." I go into homes with some amazing people and help them plan the services they need for their special needs adults and kids. I love this job, and for me its not a job, for me it's a time to heal and give back (and yes a little extra money is nice too!) I know a lot of people thought I was nuts that I was going back into the world of the special needs, especially a month after I lost Zach.  For me I was very thankful to be given the opportunity to continue to be part of the special needs world. I always say it's a world I never wanted to be part of, but now I don't want to be away from it either. Talk about bittersweet.

Zach was always my crutch to go up to other kids in wheelchairs and say Hi, they could see that I wasn't some nutty mom that had no clue what they were going through. Weirdly since Zach passed I feel like I lost my ticket to go up to these amazing kids and adults.  I don't look like one of them anymore. I really am not a part of their world anymore.. my ticket is gone. Now if I go up to someone I feel like I need to explain to them why I am saying hi, which is super ridiculous, because we all should be saying hi to them. I shouldn't need an excuse and again I shouldn't need to tell my story to anyone that will listen. I have to remember that Zach continues to live through me no matter what!

So as I have gone through the last year with my new job I have seen ALOT. I go into homes of the sickest of the sick and also a lot of homes with kiddos with Autism, sometimes homes with more then one kid with Autism. Where the parents are  grieving and fighting like mad to get an education for their child(ren), and on some days those same parents are scared to death of their own kids because they have violent tempers. I have gone into homes where the walls in every corner are punched out and all the knives are hidden. Homes that have alarms on every window and every door. I walk away saying "Thank God I got what I got"  I have gone into homes where two children are diagnosed with the same neurodegenerative disease and I know this mom is going to probably lose both her children... and I walk away again "Thanking God for what I got" I go into homes almost weekly saying "thank God for what I got" and I can tell you that when I tell them my story they are saying the same thing "thank God for what they got." What I have learned through this amazing job of mine is that if all of us special needs parents threw our whole lives and diseases and behaviors and whatever else comes with the world of having a special needs kid, sibling, or adult and we had a choice to take on someone else's life that we all would take on our own again.  That when you look at someone else's story you realize  that you would take your story over theirs any day. As we tell Zach's sister Sydney "You get what you get and you don't have a fit" You do something with it and no other life is blessed more then the other, that you can be thankful for what you didn't get in any situation.  I am so thankful for Zach, and I would pick our story again if I had a choice. Again and Again.... and the amazing thing is those wonderful families whose houses I walk into would pick their story over and over, the same story I was just thinking that "I'm glad I didn't get that! and I know that they are thinking "I'm glad I didn't get her story!

My family and I our still writing our story, but if it wasn't for Zach and our story I wouldn't of gotten to see this wonderful testament to life. I wouldn't get to be amazed daily at how much I see people fighting for their kids, and because of him and the lessons I learned from him I get to carry on and try and help other families in different situations do the best they can for their loved ones. 

As hard as it is at losing a child and believe me it sucks and I grieve daily, I would choose my life again and again if I had to throw it in a big pile and had the chance to pick. I mean really who wouldn't pick the boy with that amazing smile!

With Faith Comes Hope,
Rachele
Mom to my Amazing Zach