Hogwash!

I hear a lot that our time on earth is just a glimpse in time compared to what it is in heaven.  That our loved ones that leaves before us don't feel time like we do.  Boy how I wish anything that us  back here on earth felt like it was quick blurb in time like it does in heaven.

Almost 11 months into this journey I can tell you I am not numb anymore. I can tell you the first maybe 8 months after losing Zach, I was like I got this, I can do this, this sucks but I can get through this. Now all I can think of is how am I going to do this? How is this ever going to get easier? How in the world am I going to get through the rest of my life with him not here with me?

I never knew until the past few months that a heart ache is not just a saying. It's a real thing, my heart actually aches, and on more days then not it actually hurts.  I have had to tell myself on one or more occasion that I am not having a heart attack, I lost my child and this is a physically symptom of that. 

I am not writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me. I'm writing, in essence to tell you that 11 months into this, it is no easier, it's actually much, much harder. I remember reading so many things that tells you after a loss of this magnitude that you shouldn't do anything major before a year is up, that time heals. I have heard over and over that the first year is the worse.  I'm calling bullshit on it all! I know that's a harsh statement, but I feel like I am grieving more now then I did in the beginning. I have no clue as to why except to say that I really think that in the first months your body goes into protection mode,  you are numb, you go through all the motions of your daily living, but you basically are a zombie, going through the motions of life.

Grief is not a year thing, for me getting closer to that year mark makes me physically sick. How can it be that I haven't kissed or hugged Zach in almost a year. How in the heck am I going to go through the rest of my life feeling like a major part of me has been ripped away from me? As the days, months, years go on how do you get through life without your child? I know  I am not the exception. I know first hand how many parents have lost a child. I know first hand that I am not alone, but I don't know how they get through it. Maybe someday it will come to me on how you get through this. Right now I think it's just you figure out how to live with the pain. Which I guess, for the past 11 months I have been doing...

The hardest thing is my heart aches to be with him, but my heart also aches to be with my husband and kids here. When you lose a child your heart wants to be in two different places and you can physically feel it. I can't imagine this feeling will ever go away. It's a feeling that I am sure I will feel for the rest of my life while I'm living on earth!

One year is not enough time for the grief to be over.. I have a feeling it's a life time of grief and it's never going away..
The best thing I can tell myself is that he was worth it. Every single feeling of it. I guess no matter what if I had a choice to lose a child or not have one at all I would pick the loss. I had an amazing kid, that changed me, that I loved more!!!

With Faith Comes Hope,
Rachele